About a month ago, I was sleeping and awoke abruptly to hear the train that is located conveniently right behind my dorm. It was almost 2 AM and there was still a loud presence of giggling and stumbling students outside. It was a Friday night after all. And as I lay there, I wondered what I was doing. I looked out the window and saw people retiring to their dorms for the night, a pretense to the lazy morning that lay ahead of them, which, in turn, was a pretense of another wild night for the student body. I convinced myself that I had a life, for the following day I'd be going on a school trip to New York City. Just a simple drop off/pick up situation. The entire day was up to Erika and I. But that night, I felt lonely. And even though I have a person that I love so close to me, I felt far away. I felt like that train, slowly chugging away into the silent night, awaiting sleep to return to me.
I turned 19 years old two weeks ago. That's a scary thing to me. This is my last year as a teenager. When you're 12, you can't wait to become a teenager. When you're 19, you tell everyone that you can't wait for your 20s, but silently I wish to be 12 again. Life was simpler at 12. I am so excited to see what the next decade of my life brings, but I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. At 12, I was just entering the 7th grade, my first year in Junior High School. The only thing you had to worry about was if the girl a few lockers down was as into you as you were to her. No worrying about college. No worrying about friendships that were facing the icy road of long distance. No worrying about having enough money to get only the bare necessities. When you're 19, you realize that you've approached your 7th and final year as a teenager. It's like the final Harry Potter book. This is the final battle. Except, not really... This is probably the beginning of a lifelong slew of battles. But at 19, few worried about being alone.
The day before my birthday, Erika and I made a last minute decision to go to Washington D.C. for the day. We had plans with a friend from college to go to Pittsburgh, but when that fell through we decided to head to the capital instead, which was actually closer than Pittsburgh. We asked another friend who goes to school down in Virginia to meet us, but that also fell through. So Erika and I trudged down to D.C. One of the hardest drives I've ever made. And we had a nice time, but secretly we both longed for more company. We had never conquered D.C. before together, but now was our chance, but something hung over the air of the trip. We traveled home just in time for party hour to start back at school and for us to hit the hay. Again, that night we felt lonely, together this time.
On my birthday, my parents and grandparents and sister all came up to celebrate my birthday with me. We had a wonderful time, going to lunch and showing them around the school. But suddenly, the time had flown by too soon and before I knew it we were bidding our goodbyes, yet again.
But as the day went on, I received birthday wishes from people that I hadn't talked to since the end of summer or longer. People that I missed and thought of almost daily, but had never gotten the courage (the excuse was time) to pick up the phone and shoot them a text. But suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore. I felt warm, whole again. Maybe only temporarily, but in that moment I was happier than I had been in a long time. Separation began to fade away and I felt the presence of friends and family, even in their absence.
So, although it is far overdue, thank you to all of you who wished me well on my birthday. But also thank you to those of you that appear on my social media and provide me with a smile everyday, reminding me of your quirks and why, even if we didn't talk much, I miss when times were simpler with you. It's nice to know that there are others going through the same things that I am in this journey.
So as I embrace my last year as a teenager, I search for a way to feel that presence all the time and for a Taylor Swift song called "19" (she would know what to say right about now!). And I hope that 19 will bring me some of the answers in life that I am searching for right now. While I'm going to keep those questions private right now, I have no doubt that I will soon share those once I arrive at a decision. When I was 12, I never expected my life to be where it is now. And in another seven years, when I'm 26 years old, who knows where I'll be! Probably living on Mars or something cool. Or maybe homeless. Or maybe a millionaire, that'd be cool.... Or maybe even married with a child! It certainly is exciting to think about! Thanks for taking this journey with me, I can't wait to see what 19 is like!
"Well it's hard to find a reason, when all you have is doubts. Hard to see inside yourself when you can't see your way out. Hard to find a question when the answer won't come out." -Passenger, "Whispers"
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