The Gray Area

There is black. There is white. And then there is gray.

Is light the absence of darkness? Or is darkness the absence of light?
Is the glass half full or half empty? Who poured the glass?
What's the point of making my bed if I'm just going to sleep in it tonight?
If I have influence, does that mean people like me, or what I have to say?
If I'm scared, is it justified? If I'm angry, is it justified?
If I'm scared of the dark, am I simply afraid of the absence of light?
Does that make me a coward?
Does that make me an optimist?
Or is it all just the gray area?

What stops me from being me?
Is it fear or is it a lack of confidence? Or is that the same thing?
Why do I ask myself questions when no one is here to answer?
Does asking myself questions bring me closer to the truth?
What is the truth?
If it's 3:00 AM and I wake up, is there a reason?
Does it make me a fool?
Does it make me naive?
Or is it all just the gray area?

If I'm walking in a crowd of people and I hear my name, but it's not for me, am I an optimist because I turned around to see?
If I'm deceived, am I an idiot, or did I just not see it coming? Is that the same thing?
If I don't do what everyone else thinks I should, am I stupid, or am I unique? Is that the same thing?
I don't think so.
If you ask me what I'm doing because you want to hang out, and I say I'm busy, but I'm really not, am I a liar or am I a jerk? Both?
If I tell the truth and I hurt your feelings, am I a jerk or am I honest? Both?
Does it make me confused? (Yes)
Does it make me a jerk?
Or is it all just the gray area?

Some people say that there's fifty shades of gray. I don't really believe that. I think there's one shade of gray. What does it mean? Who the hell knows.

"Sometimes I feel I'm going nowhere. Sometimes I'm sure I never will. She says it because I'm always moving. I never notice cause I never stand still." -Passenger, "Rolling Stone"

Four Score and Nineteen Years Ago...

Well, it's been a while since my last post, so I suppose that's a good indication that I'm colleging hard, Mom! Recently, I've been thinking a lot about separation. Separation from society, from family, from friends. College is a lot like that. It enters you into an entire new world. A new world of friendship and a new kind of family. But yet, I still think often about my own family and friends. If you're close with me, you'll know that college has been a challenge for me, not necessarily academically, but with the ideals of it and pretty much every other aspect of it. No big deal.

About a month ago, I was sleeping and awoke abruptly to hear the train that is located conveniently right behind my dorm. It was almost 2 AM and there was still a loud presence of giggling and stumbling students outside. It was a Friday night after all. And as I lay there, I wondered what I was doing. I looked out the window and saw people retiring to their dorms for the night, a pretense to the lazy morning that lay ahead of them, which, in turn, was a pretense of another wild night for the student body. I convinced myself that I had a life, for the following day I'd be going on a school trip to New York City. Just a simple drop off/pick up situation. The entire day was up to Erika and I. But that night, I felt lonely. And even though I have a person that I love so close to me, I felt far away. I felt like that train, slowly chugging away into the silent night, awaiting sleep to return to me.

I turned 19 years old two weeks ago. That's a scary thing to me. This is my last year as a teenager. When you're 12, you can't wait to become a teenager. When you're 19, you tell everyone that you can't wait for your 20s, but silently I wish to be 12 again. Life was simpler at 12. I am so excited to see what the next decade of my life brings, but I can't help but feel a little nostalgic. At 12, I was just entering the 7th grade, my first year in Junior High School. The only thing you had to worry about was if the girl a few lockers down was as into you as you were to her. No worrying about college. No worrying about friendships that were facing the icy road of long distance. No worrying about having enough money to get only the bare necessities. When you're 19, you realize that you've approached your 7th and final year as a teenager. It's like the final Harry Potter book. This is the final battle. Except, not really... This is probably the beginning of a lifelong slew of battles. But at 19, few worried about being alone. 

The day before my birthday, Erika and I made a last minute decision to go to Washington D.C. for the day. We had plans with a friend from college to go to Pittsburgh, but when that fell through we decided to head to the capital instead, which was actually closer than Pittsburgh. We asked another friend who goes to school down in Virginia to meet us, but that also fell through. So Erika and I trudged down to D.C. One of the hardest drives I've ever made. And we had a nice time, but secretly we both longed for more company. We had never conquered D.C. before together, but now was our chance, but something hung over the air of the trip. We traveled home just in time for party hour to start back at school and for us to hit the hay. Again, that night we felt lonely, together this time. 

On my birthday, my parents and grandparents and sister all came up to celebrate my birthday with me. We had a wonderful time, going to lunch and showing them around the school. But suddenly, the time had flown by too soon and before I knew it we were bidding our goodbyes, yet again. 

But as the day went on, I received birthday wishes from people that I hadn't talked to since the end of summer or longer. People that I missed and thought of almost daily, but had never gotten the courage (the excuse was time) to pick up the phone and shoot them a text. But suddenly, I didn't feel so alone anymore. I felt warm, whole again. Maybe only temporarily, but in that moment I was happier than I had been in a long time. Separation began to fade away and I felt the presence of friends and family, even in their absence. 

So, although it is far overdue, thank you to all of you who wished me well on my birthday. But also thank you to those of you that appear on my social media and provide me with a smile everyday, reminding me of your quirks and why, even if we didn't talk much, I miss when times were simpler with you. It's nice to know that there are others going through the same things that I am in this journey. 

So as I embrace my last year as a teenager, I search for a way to feel that presence all the time and for a Taylor Swift song called "19" (she would know what to say right about now!). And I hope that 19 will bring me some of the answers in life that I am searching for right now. While I'm going to keep those questions private right now, I have no doubt that I will soon share those once I arrive at a decision. When I was 12, I never expected my life to be where it is now. And in another seven years, when I'm 26 years old, who knows where I'll be! Probably living on Mars or something cool. Or maybe homeless. Or maybe a millionaire, that'd be cool.... Or maybe even married with a child! It certainly is exciting to think about! Thanks for taking this journey with me, I can't wait to see what 19 is like!

"Well it's hard to find a reason, when all you have is doubts. Hard to see inside yourself when you can't see your way out. Hard to find a question when the answer won't come out." -Passenger, "Whispers"

Inside My Addiction Part 2: Autumn

There are few things in the world that I love more than fall. Nothing gives me as much satisfaction as walking outside with a sweatshirt and jeans and a small, yellowish-brown leaf falling upon my head. I love the chilly air mixed with the smell of hot chocolate. I love going to Starbucks and getting a Cinnamon Chai Tea just to look at the newly designed fall cups. I love cuddling up on a cloudy, brisk day with some Netflix. I love carving pumpkins and Halloween costumes.
Last year on Halloween, some friends and I decided that we would stay in on Halloween and wear pajamas and carve pumpkins together. We made it a sort of contest, splitting into teams and carving Disney characters into these pumpkins. Erika and I were on a team together so we decided that we would carve Aladdin and Jasmine on a pumpkin. It was supposed to look like this:

We tried pretty hard, to be honest. It kinda turned out like this:

For two of the least artistic people I know, not bad. 

Either way, this night was a night that reminded me how much I loved fall. Being with friends, carving pumpkins, being inside on a cold night. I'm probably jumping the gun a little bit here, already talking about Halloween, but I don't really care! I love fall! So in honor of that I have made a top 10 list of some of my favorite things about fall:

Ryan's Top 10 Favorite Fall Stuff (w/Pros and Cons):

1. Sweatshirts- Definitely tops the list as my favorite fall thing. 

Pro: Sweatshirts are the definition of fall. There's nothing like cozying on up in your favorite sweatshirt on a chilly fall day, going to a football game or for a nice walk, because running is overrated. 

Con: Sometimes sweatshirts can be a pain when taking them off. I can't stand it when I'm just trying to take my sweatshirt off and then the rest of my clothes come off at the same time. Also, it can be a bit confusing when you accidentally stick your head in the sleeve when putting a sweatshirt on. 

2. Corn Mazes- 

Pros: Probably one of the most fun things to do in the fall with friends, especially the scary ones. There's nothing more unifying in a friendship than getting lost together in a haunted corn maze, where death lurks in every stalk.

Cons: Just please don't get lost. No one wants to get lost in a corn maze, especially if you have major anxiety or are claustrophobic. Panic attacks are not fun for you or your friend.

3. Starbucks-

Pros: Pretty fall cups, nice warm drinks, real pumpkin in your Pumpkin Spice Latte; can't go wrong.

Cons: Unless you are like me and get too excited to drink your drink and end up burning every tastebud off your tongue for the next week. 

4. PUMPKIN PATCHES-

Pros: I capitalize this favorite because who doesn't love a good pumpkin patch?! Common myth has it that pumpkin patches are for little kids. If you think that you've probably just insulted me beyond repair. 

Cons: N/A

5. Netflix-

Pros: Netflix becomes a good deal more attractive in the fall because you don't feel as guilty about staying inside watching shows because now it's cold outside and no longer summer so you have an excuse to stay inside. Not to mention all the Disney Channel Halloween movies.

Cons: You probably are still lacking a social life.

6. Spending Time w/ Friends-

Pros: Awww, how sweet. Friends are there to remind you that no matter how much you watch Netflix, they will always be there to convince your parents that you still have a social life. Plus doing fun fall activities is especially fun with them.

Cons: This is most likely only bad if your Netflix addiction is taking a dangerous turn. 

7. Carving Pumpkins-

Pros: Carving pumpkins is probably the best thing about fall. Seriously, if it was acceptable to carve pumpkins in July, I probably would.

Cons: Messy. Sticky. Don't be afraid to really get in there and get dirty.

8. Jumping in a Pile of Leaves-

Pros: Whether you are 16 or 86, you should probably be jumping in a pile of leaves. 

Cons: If you are 86, your doctor probably would not recommend this. I support it fully.

9. Growing a beard-

Pros: For all the men out there, No Shave November is approaching. Get those beards ready. 

Cons- I will probably be unable to participate, considering a month of not shaving for me would look like a week for another man.

10. Cuddling-

Pros: Whether it be with your girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, second cousin, or dog, cuddling is a must for the fall season. Get yourself a blanket and someone who isn't afraid to share that blanket and give yourself a nice cuddle. Nothing says fall more than cuddling up and watching a movie (or Netflix).

Cons: Most people appreciate if you shower before they cuddle with you.

I hope that maybe you can use some of my fall favorite to enhance your own fall experience this year.

Is it that it's over or do birds still sing for you? Float down, like autumn leaves. -Ed Sheeran, Autumn Leaves

Also check out Erika and I's new Vlog channel on YouTube! Weekly vlogs posted on Sundays!

Thanks for reading and watching!

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz4Z9Kkgux8

A Question

A question. Why are people afraid of being different? Why do people cower in the fear of stepping out of line? Why do people feel the need to do every single thing that society tells them? What is it about judgement that makes it so scary? Why do we refuse to do what makes us happy because of tension, judgements, or other people? Why do we refuse to do what makes us happy?
I'm not even joking with you. This is all serious stuff that's been on my mind for weeks now, but finally has come to a boiling point. Now that I have somewhat successfully completed almost a month of college, I feel comfortable sharing that this past summer I seriously considered not going to college at all. If you know me, this probably seems extremely out of character for me, but even I was shocked. I had never considered an alternative to college, mostly because I figured the only thing you could do in life was go to school, college, get a job, have a family, retire, and die. Why? Because that's exactly what society sticks in your brain from a young age.
So in late July, I had some sort of epiphany. I can't even explain it myself because it was so out of the blue. For some reason the idea of freedom was all that was on my mind. I realized for the first time that I was actually 18 years old, and have been for 3/4 of a year. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. But I can't. Even in college, you're not completely free. Someone still cooks your meals, pays your bills, etc. And for a second, actually more like weeks, I thought, "What if I didn't do that?" The idea was intriguing. I had never considered a life outside of more education.
I pitched the idea to my parents, and they were scared. They told me that I was an adult and they would support my decision, even if they didn't necessarily advise it. And I almost did it. I almost freaking did it!
But once again, society got me. I knew that if I didn't go to college, I would spend the rest of my life kicking myself because all of my friends would have these fancy degrees and I wouldn't. But why? Why does humanity fear the unknown? Why are we wired to overthink every little thing that goes through our complicated brains? As long as it's safe, why do we refuse to do what makes us happy?! That is the most frustrating question in the world.
So here I am, almost a month into college and do I regret my decision of going to college? Yeah, there's times when I actually do. There's times where my brain reminds me that I could be doing something that would make me a million times happier than sitting on a campus 24/7 for weeks straight, forgetting that there's an outside world. Isn't it funny that the place that's supposed to prepare us the most for the outside world is nothing like it?
So then I ask myself what the hell I'm doing here. As I sit in my dorm on a Wednesday afternoon, a pile of homework sitting next to me, with the most beautiful weather outside, I question literally everything. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone think that this experience is so much better than I do?
Because whether society or my parents or my neighbors or friends or my Twitter followers want to believe it or not, some things are not for everyone. College is one of those things. Just like skiing or drugs.
Am I going to drop out of college? No, there's probably no turning back now. Am I going to fall in love with it? Who knows? If I had to answer right now I would probably tell you no. And that's okay. Not everyone loves everything. But here's my advice to anyone considering their own happiness: don't you dare care what anyone thinks, whether it be your race, sexuality, gender, thoughts, or anything; you do what makes you safe and happy. Happiness is the most valuable thing in life. So as I continue my own quest for happiness (wherever that may take me) and despair seems to keep slipping in, I ask a question; why do I refuse to do what makes me happy? The journey to find it is just beginning.
"Life's for the living, or you're better off dead." -Passenger, "Life's For the Living"

The Hardest Goodbye

This past week I've watched my best friends leave for college, for a brand new life. I have another week before I begin my journey to the university universe, so I find myself in a very strange place. The goodbye is hard but I think social media makes it even harder. There's the person that I spent the last year with and they're with a completely new group of friends. Part of me just wants to interrogate them to make sure they're a good fit. But friends are not shoes, so I know I can't tie them down.
At the same time, I'm rushing the time between now and when I leave because I feel left out of this whole college thing. But yet I'm telling the time to slow down, because I want to enjoy my last moments here at home. We may cry saying goodbye to our friends and our parents and siblings, but I think what we don't realize is how much we're going to miss the entire experience. The lifestyle that we've lived for the past 18 years is now going to go away forever. We're trading that in for a new lifestyle with more freedom and responsibility, to feel more like an adult, like we've all begged for over the past year. But despite the endless complaining about high school, we all tend to shut up these weeks leading up to college, because it's finally time to believe what we never thought was coming.
This past week was my last week on my babysitting job this summer (for more info on that see: My Run With the Rooster). I drive about 25 minutes each morning to get there and I take probably one of the most scenic ways I could to get there. I'm blessed to live in probably one of the most beautiful places in Pennsylvania and I had taken that for granted until this week. Each morning I drove up there I enjoyed the views and the beauty in the area surrounding me. But hey, we don't know what we got until it's gone, right?
But it's this. This is what I'm going to miss the most. I'm going to miss the drives that I would take out of nowhere to clear my head. I'm going to miss home cooked meals. I'm going to miss going to all of our favorite places with my friends. I'm going to miss how easy it was to just text someone and ask them to hang out, because now it's going to be long term planning. I'm going to miss seeing my best friends everyday at school and talking about surviving certain classes together. I'm going to miss my mom nagging me to do laundry or something that I would probably never think about doing that I have to. I'm going to miss private bathrooms. I'm going to miss coming home to my dogs greeting me through the door like they haven't seen me in months and now that'll be true.  I'm going to miss the little things that I've always taken for granted. I'm going to miss this life that I currently live until it dies a few days from now and a new one sprouts from it.
But as I watch my friends make new friends and begin their new lives on Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat or whatever, I become that much readier to begin my own life. And I'm terrified to leave the comfort of everything that I've ever known for something completely unknown. I don't know what will come, but the freedom is what gives me comfort. I am now an adult (or at least like half an adult). I have the freedom to do what I want with my life from this point on. It's my choices that are going to shape and make me into what I want to be. And this is the second step. The first step was a long one, expanding the length of my whole life, with millions of teeny tiny little steps in between. But here comes the leap. It's time to jump into this abyss of unknown and see what's up.
So, we've hit our peak. It's time to move on and embrace the new. But don't forget the old. The old is what got you to the new, so don't disregard that, no matter how much you hate the old. Find the balance between the old and the new and be the happiest you've ever been.

"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young."- John Mayer, "Stop This Train"

I Am An Ocean

I am an ocean. I am the waves that crash on my soul and cause an endless swirl of matter. I am the sun, reflecting upon my waters. I am the moon, directing every movement of the tide like a director of a concert band. I am the lifeless grain of sand that lays with the countless others just like me. I am the wind that shifts my grain miles from where it was just a moment ago. I am the bird that dips its wing in the water. I am the water at the feet of the playful child, splashing with joy unseen by the busy humanity around him. I am the rain that quenches the thirst of the  garden that bears the produce only to be consumed in the end. I am a circle. I am a cycle. I am the water that is splattered in a million microscopic directions when the wheel of the bicycle rides through me. I am the water that children in the poorest of countries grasp for while I lay helplessly as a puddle. I am the water that drips on the heads of the hopeful hypocrites, the adventurous introverts, and the curious skeptics. I am the final resting place of the leaf that traveled a thousand miles from its tree to my waters. I am an ocean.
They are sharks. Ferociously tearing through my waters. They are the massive oil companies, dumping their canisters of pollution into me, turning my shining blue into a darkening black abyss. They are the fishermen, throwing their trash at me, killing my insides. They are the grasslands and marshes, watching me from a distance, taunting their higher ground. They are the vultures that circle my dead. They are the storms that shake my waters. They are the black holes, sucking the life out of me. They are the nightmares that instill fear in even the brightest corners of my soul. They are the industrialized city, slowly growing in power, but losing grip of the reality that once lived there. They are the man behind the gun that is blinded by hatred, killing everything in his sight. They are the drugs that intoxicate the healthiest souls. They are the hard punch to the gut that comes when my waves are at their tallest. They are the demons that possess every living thing to worship material possessions.  But I am an ocean.
I am bigger than the hate. I am bigger than the sharks and the oil companies and the fishermen. I am bigger than the black holes and cities and demons.  My waves crash away, my winds howling in agony.  Their storms can churn my tides, but cannot touch my core. Because I am one with everything. But I am not an ocean.
I am the fish. The smallest fish in the grandest of waters. I swim up from depths that I could never comprehend and touch the surface. The surface of my inner being. I poke my insignificant head out of the only thing that I have ever known and look at the world around me. The world that I have yet to explore. I am small. But I am a part of something much larger. An ocean full of life and death and love. Who said fish can't love? I, the smallest fish in the sea, love all of it. I love even the storms that rock my world. I love those sharks that make me swim for my life. Because without those storms and sharks, I would not be the fish that I am today. I am one with it all. I am one with the earth and the sky. I am one with the ocean. I am an ocean.
"Oh blood of black and white and gray, death and life and night and day. One by one by one, we let our rivers run."-Switchfoot, "Restless"

Inside My Addiction Part 1: The Bachelor

I have a very deep, dark secret. Few people know this about me. That's right, for years I have been strangely addicted to ABC's hit reality dating show, The Bachelor(ette). Yes, I am that 40-year-old woman who sits on her couch every Monday night with a bowl of ice cream ready to watch America's newest man or woman attempt (and most likely fail) at finding love.
For those who may be unfamiliar, I ask you to climb out from under your rock. The Bachelor or Bachelorette is basically a contest to find love. One person ends up dating over 20 people at the same time and has to narrow it down each week. Of course, this gets hard because the bachelor or bachelorette feels strongly for multiple women or men. It also creates sickly satisfying drama.
What? A teenage guy can't get into watching 20+ beautiful women fighting for one man's heart or a bunch of guys ready to throw a punch for who they claim to be the girl of their dreams? I don't watch this show for the love, I watch it for all the other stuff that goes on, just like everyone else in America. (Ok maybe a little bit is for the love part.) But who doesn't love watching all the crap that happens when the Bachelorette or Bachelor isn't around? You can bet I'll be watching the season finale of Kaitlyn's season tonight.
The most ridiculous part of the show however, is that these people magically fall in love within the span of like 6 or 8 weeks. EVERY TIME! Seriously though, how have most of these people ended up with someone at the end of this time? Granted, it never lasts for most of these couples. That's probably because what works in paradise doesn't work in reality. Thanks, reality television.
I suppose the aftermath is the hardest challenge. Working on the relationship in real life after traveling all over the world on the show and fighting for love. If a couple can survive that, then chances are they can make this work.
This is probably extremely hypocritical for me to be criticizing what I claim to be addicted to, but it's true. The show is ridiculous and not realistic, but hey, everyone has that guilty pleasure.
The Bachelorette actually gave me a love connection myself, without going on the show. When I was in the 10th grade I sat next to a girl named Erika in my English class. I thought she was pretty weird and a little annoying. She would talk to me, but I would never really say much back to her. One day, specifically a Tuesday after the Bachelorette the night before, Erika was sitting in English class and was talking about the show with some of the people around her. I pretty much shocked everyone by joining right in the conversation, throwing out names, who was my favorite, blah, blah, blah. Some of the guys sitting around me were also pretty shocked in a judgmental sort of way. I didn't really care though, it was actually pretty funny. Erika and I would talk about the Bachelorette in class and not pay attention to what was actually going on. The following week, on Bachelorette night, I got a Facebook message from Erika who was also watching the show. We talked back and forth for a decent part of the 2 hour show, and that continued for the next few weeks. Somewhere along the way, I think we stopped texting on Monday nights, but it started again just in time for the finale that season. After the finale, we continued to talk and kept talking on and off for months. That September we started dating and have been ever since, watching the Bachelor or Bachelorette every season since together.
So I mean, I suppose I'm grateful for the Bachelor for that and also giving me something to look forward to on Mondays. But still. Even though the show puts heavy focus on the drama, it still is about finding love and if it works out for them that's great (although it's only worked a few times). It worked out for me!
"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds..."-Nazareth, "Love Hurts"